New beginnings
End of an era. I can’t deny that this past year hasn't been easy for me, make that the past two years. Since the pandemic, I haven’t felt like myself. I guess like most of us, I’ve been suppressing so many emotions, and I didn’t know how to deal with them. But after several crushing bits of bad news and situations, it finally all started surfacing, and it wouldn’t go away. I was finally forced to confront so many feelings I didn’t think mattered all that much.
In order to combat my unclear and trifling emotions, I found myself chasing things that were seemingly comforting or things I thought I wanted, but it ended up causing me more anxiety than I’ve experienced in years. Like chasing around a lifestyle or buying things that I tossed away later.
Through some serious reflection, I’ve managed to see myself more clearly than in a long time. I’ve been able to almost put an aura around myself and began noticing my surroundings more, how I’ve been spending my time.
I finally feel like myself for the first time in years. I couldn’t tell you where I’ve been or the person I’ve been pretending to be. It’s not easy living to face the truth about who you really are and what you want. I’ve taken so much time trying to understand myself and truly figure it out. I’m at a point where I realize that I have to be content with where I am and what I am doing, no matter what. I’ve found myself drowning in my fantasies for so long instead of dealing with the truth. We always see what we want to see, not the reality sometimes. All this reflection in the last year has made me realize that it’s the present moments that make the difference.
I’ve had to deal with horrible back pain, not working at the right places, situationships causing me more anxiety than I’ve experienced in the last decade.
It’s so easy to look at other people and wonder why they have it so good. Why can’t I? It’s been a reckoning with social media, that’s for sure. What I’ve understood now is that it’s all an illusion. People share with the world what they want you to perceive them as. Yes, I definitely have my bad days, and no, I don’t want to post about them. We all have bad and good days, but it’s so crucial to feel through all the emotions, good, bad, and in-between. They are part of the human experience, and if you push them away, they will stay in your body and find other ways to manifest or even haunt you.
I never thought 10 years ago I’d end up sitting here writing this, having done and been to all the places. I have a problem of not always being honest about how I feel and want to avoid hurting others, but in the end, I just end up suffering or heartbroken. I think I’m done with that.
I am unapologetically me.
